002: Three Oaks Cabin
In this heartfelt conversation, we hear how one family forged serenity and care from the shards of personal pain.
When Diane Bergsma lost her son Dalles, her family chose to convert their woodlot into Three Oaks Cabin — a place of rest, healing, and restoration for farmers and first responders dealing with burnout, anxiety and depression. We hear firsthand from Dalles’ best friend, Lucas Tamminga, why the process of building the retreat served as both a tribute and a healing journey.
Note: this episode discusses suicide and its impact on families and communities.
Most importantly, the family didn’t do it alone. Contractors and community members from southern Ontario were soon on site, raising money, offering supplies and helping with construction. Jim Wierenga is an example: he admits that he isn’t a mental health expert, but his shared values led him to support and lift up the idea. We also get a reality check on rural isolation with Lauren Van Ewyk, who leads the National Farmers Mental Health Alliance.
Together, this community built a forest getaway in southern Ontario, creating a quiet space for farmers and first responders to decompress and retreat. With hope in their hearts, the people behind Three Oaks Cabin want to show how crucial it is to create places that unquestioningly support the people who most often suffer in silence. Here’s the link to register that Merle mentioned in the show.
We’ve included the full transcript below.
Podcast Transcript: Three Oaks Cabin
[00:00:00] Diane Bergsma: We can't do life without our farmers and we can't keep our community safe without our first responders. And I think we all probably know it. We just don't live it or realize it or acknowledge it enough, and those people fall through the cracks while they are serving our communities in such vital ways.
[00:00:34] Merle Massie: Welcome to. Hey, are we okay? A podcast celebrating communities. We're making waves and making a difference for mental health.
I'm Merle Massie the executive director of The Do More Agriculture Foundation. Today, a story from Southern Ontario. where a farm family endured a tragic loss. What [00:01:00] the Bergsma family built out of that loss. Is the story. They brought an entire community and region together. They brought strangers together.
Let's go to Southern Ontario Farm Country where we find Three Oaks Cabin and Diane Bergsma.
[00:01:21] Diane Bergsma: Dalles was our third son. And by the time we moved back to the farm in 95, um, Dalles was five, turning six. And from the minute we. drove in that laneway on that farm. He was the junior farmer, like he was pulled his boots on and he was outside in the shop, in the barn with every opportunity he got.
And for his sixth birthday, he got six laying hens. And from that day on, he was a chicken farmer and anybody who drove in the laneway, he sold eggs to, he drug them to church. He sent them along with Al for meetings or whatever to sell. But he had, he had a vision 'cause he [00:02:00] saved all his money. He had his own, like he bought his own feed.
Even at age six. He saved all his money, started buying small pieces of machinery, and then that evolved into larger pieces of machinery. He was known as “Mr. Kijiji” in the neighborhood. He would scrounge and find every piece of equipment that was like way below value, buy it, resell it. And on his 18th birthday, he bought his own farm with his own money.
[00:02:27] Lucas Tamminga: I am Lucas Tamminga uh, the owner of LT Mechanical. Uh, I, I've known Dalles since before. I have memories. It's uh, like we have baby pictures together. We're cousins as well. I dunno if I mentioned that, but yeah. Um, we had sleepovers all the time growing up. Um, I've got many memories of hanging out on the farm with him and collecting eggs and taking care of chickens and goats and.
Exploring in the bush going fishing, catching crayfish in the creek. And as we grew up a little more, [00:03:00] we, we always stayed close. He was the best man at my wedding. We almost got knocked out on the way to the wedding. I, I was late for, uh, late for the wedding of course. 'cause as a Tamminga you were normally late for weddings and late for other things.
And so, me and him were riding together in the car and my truck was filthy, so we had to get a car wash. So we pulled into this car wash and then there was a giant line and it was not moving at all, and we were already late and then we were boxed in behind us. We were boxed in in front of us. We couldn't do anything.
Uh, there was probably about 10 vehicles in front of us, and Dalles suggested he would go to the guy in front of the line and ask if we could put in front of him because we had to get to a wedding. So Dalles got out and went up to this guy and asked if we could go ahead, and he said, yes, of course. So.
Dalles came back, we hopped back in the truck, and then we pulled out in front of this guy and the guy who was in front of [00:04:00] us saw us pulling ahead and looked like he was gonna blow a gasket. He got, got out of his truck and started storming up to ours. And, um, he's like, “what makes you so special that you can, that you can butt in front of everybody?”
And I said, “well, it's my wedding and I'm late.” And he looked like he was about to punch me. And then. I took a breath. He was like, “okay, if it's your wedding, I'll let it slide.” But yeah, that was a pretty good memory. Thanks to Dalles I was almost on time for the wedding.
[00:04:39] Diane Bergsma: He was very outgoing. He was very, very funny. He was the connecting link in our family in. His extended family on the fire department, he was, he was that kind of guy that everybody could confide in and everybody did. And in [00:05:00] hindsight, he was carrying a lot of other people's burdens because he never said, no, I can't take that on right now.
It's too heavy. Or, no, I don't have time right now. His heart was always available for other people and his generosity and his care for others. Is the sweet memory we have. And he passed away by suicide in November of 2020. And yeah, he, he was really struggling mentally right. You know, right under our noses.
And we never, we never picked up on it.[00:06:00]
[00:06:03] Merle Massie: In the midst of her pain, in the midst of her sorrow. Diane remembered a time when she was struggling. A time when she needed a place to think:
[00:06:14] Diane Bergsma: and I was seeing a counselor and at one point I said to my counselor, I just, I think I can figure it out. I just need some downtime. I need a place where I can be all by myself and I don't have interruptions, and I don't have any, any responsibilities except to myself.
To figure this out and to find a place for things. And she said, Diane, there is no such place, but if you ever find it, make sure you tell me, because I have many clients who are looking for such a place. And that soon after, like I, I would say within weeks after Dalles passed away, we made the decision as a family that, like we talked about it, we prayed about it.
And say, this is not going to define us. This is not who we are. [00:07:00] His life is the legacy. We want to celebrate. How he passed away is only ammunition for us to do better for other people. And then as the idea of like, this is not going to define us well. Okay, but then what? We have a 50 acre wood lot that we thought that would be perfect and we would love to, you know, donate it for the cause.
And we had this idea of just building a cabin where people could rest.
[00:07:32] Merle Massie: Diane Bergsma and her family turned to their community.
[00:07:36] Diane Bergsma: We had enough of a nest egg to complete the building project, but we had this idea that possibly if we had that money left over, maybe we could also offer them some sort of therapy.
And, and not just rest, but that we could also give them some guidelines or some help or assistance to [00:08:00] make inroads to, towards living better or to live healthier. And as we, um, had, you know, news outlets and other places where they took interest in the project. Um, we also had people reach out and say, you know, I've got a flooring place.
What do you need? I've got a plumbing company. Can I please donate showers, tubs? And that's… literally, we had one gentleman reach out to us and said, I have a plumbing company and I would like to help you out. And I, I had driven past this. Showroom before, and it was like they were at the Cadillac version where we were thinking like Ford focus.
And I said, “well that's really nice,” but like I kind of tried to explain to him that our budget was limited if we wanted to complete this project. And he says, “no, no, no. You're misunderstanding me. I want you to come and shop for free.” And he, he met us at the door and it was just like, “whatever you need, do not pick the lowest grade.”
“Pick the ones that you think are nice. You absolutely need a soaker [00:09:00] tub and you absolutely need a rain shower head” and like really high end. And it was just so generous. And that was the first experience that we went, wow. Like God is in this project, right.
[00:09:13] Merle Massie: High end or not. There was still a few hiccups that they had to contend with.
[00:09:18] Diane Bergsma: The first two years were really difficult with getting a building permit. There was a lot of, oh, shall we call it, red tape, with the conservation authority, and eventually I think we won them over with, these are people and yes, we want to conserve the forest. We want to conserve nature. For that end to have our guests enjoy nature.
So once we had them on board, it took some convincing and it took a lot of money. We had to do an environmental impact study and, and we were sorry to see that much money go towards red tape, but we got the building permit and that's what mattered most.
[00:09:59] Merle Massie: Do you remember how [00:10:00] excited Diane was about the high-end plumbing shop?
Here's the owner of that shop.
[00:10:04] Jim Wierenga: Uh, well, my name's Jim Wierenga.
[00:10:07] Merle Massie: Jim had a lot to say about this project.
[00:10:09] Jim Wierenga: Why did we get involved?
Uh, we were impressed with, with what we heard. And, you know, and at the same, I'm struck by how, how tragic and, and, and why it, it just seems, you know, so, so mental health is, is, it's confusing to a lot of us. So we were affected by it. We felt for them, and my wife almost immediately had said to me, you know. If there's ever a chance to do something for them or something being involved in something like that, that would be good.
[00:10:35] Merle Massie: I asked Jim to take me back to the day Diane Bergsma came to his store.
[00:10:39] Jim Wierenga: We have a fairly large showroom and we wanted to be sure that she knew that one way or the other we would be happy to be supporting the project in a way that, so we contribute in, in, in a maybe a little bit different way because how do you. How do you become a part of this and make a difference? Well, we understood that [00:11:00] it's a place that's going to be for relaxation, for meditation, for quiet time and all those things.
So you knew it was gonna be a place in the woods. It was gonna be something that, you know, you wanted an aura. So we wanted, we were happy to be able to supply products. A bathroom's more than just a place for utility. It's a, bathroom's also a place to relax and even in a sense, enjoy. It's part of the relaxation.
So. In that sense, we, we could offer some things that would help. I'm not a mental health expert, right? But I'm a person who, uh, I do care about people who are struggling in that way. And so since we were both, my wife and I then, uh, kind of inspired by what Diane was saying and she. Uh, in a very firsthand way came to know, unfortunately exactly some of the devastating impact of people struggling with mental health, even when, especially perhaps when you, when you, everything seems to be going [00:12:00] well, and it's such a devastating shock, and so obviously there's a lot of need out there.
She's involved, she, she's like a vehicle in a sense for us to be able to contribute, and so we're allowing that channel to work. Through somebody who does have a great, much greater understanding, and obviously she has a lot of passion for what's happening there. So again, while we're by no means mental health experts, we do share, we have a common care.
We love, uh, people, we want people to do well. We hurt with them when they hurt. And so how can you contribute? How can you help? Well, we wanna be identified with projects that do that kind of thing for the community. And so in a small way, we're, we're contributors. No, no different than many others in other ways.
[00:12:47] Diane Bergsma: I think very much having the opportunity to, to come alongside those people who provide our food, who grow our food, and to keep our community safe. Right? They. Uh, we [00:13:00] can't do life without our farmers and we can't keep our community safe without our first responders. And I think to bring out that conversation with different groups of people, we all probably know it.
We just don't live it or realize it or acknowledge it enough, and those people fall through the cracks while they are serving in our communities. In such vital ways
[00:13:45] Merle Massie: the cabin took shape with Diane's help. With Lucas, with Jim, with so many people pushing together to get it done.
Tell me about [00:14:00] your open house the first day that you welcomed people to come and see the cabin.
[00:14:06] Diane Bergsma: We wanted to do it while the woodlot was in its like fall glory and it was beautiful. It's such a beautiful woodlot. We've got so many maple trees in there. And yeah, it was just, we wanted to share the beauty of the seasons and yes, we had finished a very hard season and from there we were going into winter, but we know spring is coming and it was just so beautiful.
And yeah, it was, it was a, a profound moment of joy and gratitude where we can say, capture our vision and love these people with us. We just want to help them while they help us.
[00:14:44] Jim Wierenga: A lot of the contractors and, and supporters and all kinds of people had been invited and Diane spoke as well as others. And, uh, we were impressed with the overall gist of, of the project and, and so we're glad to be able to do it and we hope that it will lead to the things that [00:15:00] we desire for people.
That, that ultimately, it doesn't matter what your background is, you can struggle with these things. That's obvious. And, you know, and when you get disconnected, uh, from support community, from, people sometimes when they're hurting, they, they, they disconnect from that because they don't know where to go anymore. They just feel so disconnected, and I think that's what sometimes leads to the final crisis.
[00:15:28] Merle Massie: What would you say if, let's imagine that someone else, some somewhere across Canada, hears this podcast and thinks that they would also like to do something similar, create a retreat space such as this.
What would you say to those contractors or those community members?
[00:15:44] Jim Wierenga: You know, that's, that's a great question because this is something that probably. It could and should be replicated in various ways. It may not be a cabin in the woods, but it will be something that in your particular community, uh, people can [00:16:00] come together on.
And I believe it'll always be initiated and it ought to be initiated by those who really felt the pain, those who who understand. And then, and then to bring and invite people to join, not as a way of, um. Simply a, a do good thing, but as a, you know, inviting people to become a part of something that can actually make a difference for people who are truly hurting.
[00:16:30] Merle Massie: What does it look like for someone to, to come and stay at Three Oaks Cabin? Tell us about that process.
[00:16:37] Diane Bergsma: So people can book it on our website. On the Three Oaks website. And booking it is very similar to booking an Airbnb except they go through a wellness check questionnaire prior to being able to actually book the cabin.
All the information goes directly to our therapists. I don't ever see anything of the results of that questionnaire. [00:17:00] Um, I only see. Who's coming and how many people for emergency purposes, if we need to know how many people are at the cabin and when they're staying there for cleaning and things. Um, so yeah, they can choose to come alone or if they're coming with, with family or, or support people.
And so then when they come to the cabin, they're allowed to come from Friday noon to Sunday evening, or Tuesday noon to Thursday evening. They have opportunity to take part in self-directed programming. And there's one stream for farmers and one for first responders. So it's. Occupation specific. The, the modules that they work through, and they don't have to do them all.
They're just invited to do them all. Um, we've recently added five kilometers of trails through the woodlot where they can take part in that. And then when they our home, they also get a follow up call from our partners at National Farmers Mental Health Alliance, and it's a wellness check-in, and they have opportunity to have a one hour free session of therapy that is also [00:18:00] on Three Oaks.
[00:18:04] Merle Massie: Together. Diane and her community built Three Oaks, and together they asked the National Farmer Mental Health Alliance to create programming for the farmers and first responders who come.
[00:18:18] Lauren Van Ewyk: So my name is Lauren Van Ewyk and I have the absolute privilege of being the CEO of the National Farmer's Mental Health Alliance.
So, Three Oaks Cabin is located, uh, maybe about 30 minutes drive roughly from where our, my home base is. Uh,
[00:18:34] Merle Massie: I sat down with Lauren to find out more. The Bergsma family had this vision for Three Oaks Cabin, and they reached out to you and brought you on board. What happened then?
[00:18:45] Lauren Van Ewyk: Uh, after that, Diane and I met a number of times in the development of both the materials that were going to be made accessible and kind of their vision.
We really wanted to make sure that what we were offering aligned with their vision and also aligns with the vision of the National [00:19:00] Farmer's Mental Health Alliance. And since then, we've, uh, participated in gathering opportunities there at the cabin. We attend the Outdoor Farm Show together as a, as a team, and, you know, the real goal is to meet people where they're at. The reality is, is there is still a lot of uncomfortableness in the agriculture community when it comes to talking about our wellness. And so it's our hope to just come alongside people and kind of normalize some of the conversation, and that's some of the work that Three Oaks is actively doing.
[00:19:35] Merle Massie: What do you see about the people who've come to Three Oaks for that respite? What do you see?
[00:19:42] Lauren Van Ewyk: Uh, well, I've gotta be honest. The, the response is incredible. We, I don't wanna say shocked because we knew the need was out there, but the response has been more than I think we had anticipated. Not just in the number of people who are [00:20:00] attending, but in the depth of the follow up that continues after that.
The beauty of Three Oaks Cabin is, it is an, it is not an up-in-your-face experience. It is a “take a deep breath and come and rest for a bit.” That is the overall experience where people get a chance to step away from the farm or step away from their professional responsibilities and take a deep breath In nature.
It's a restful, rejuvenating experience, but while you're there, you have the opportunity to participate in your own wellness venture. So there's a manual that we've developed. That participants can follow along with. It's an opportunity to really check in with themselves, “Where am I at financially? Where am I at with relationships? Where am I at with my physical health?” And so there there's a number of different questions that they just have to kind of check. And the beauty of that is three months down the road or six months down the road, they can do that again and say, okay, these are the [00:21:00] areas where I've seen improvement, and these are the areas where I'd like to improve.
So it's a very, like, it's a non-threatening way for individuals to learn some skills when it comes to their own sense of wellness and to, uh, kind of start themselves down this journey towards the, the sense of wellbeing that they're really searching for or hoping for.
[00:21:22] Merle Massie: What advice might you have for someone who's maybe listening to this podcast thinking about Three Oaks, or that they might benefit from Three Oaks?
[00:21:30] Lauren Van Ewyk: The beauty of Three Oaks is it doesn't cost anything. Uh, the amount of support that Diane and their family and the community, I mean the community has been outstanding. If it was local plumbers that came and plumbed the cabin, it was local electricians that came and, you know, to hooked up all the electrical work.
And so there's a community investment and, and that really comes down to this concept of what we call social capital. Social capital is how we invest in our community and in one another. And so [00:22:00] I would encourage people to actually get a little bit excited for the hopefulness that is, that is waiting you now, if you are not local and you cannot make that trip, you can take the principles that are part of the cabin and apply them for one of the beautiful things is so many people have looked at what the Bergsmas have built and said.
We need that. And so, you know, let's join together and figure out how we can replicate the experience of the cabin across Canada. There are opportunities for that to happen and so I would invite some of those people to, you know, if, if this is something that excites you, let's work to grow that.
[00:22:45] Merle Massie: You've worked with, you and your team have worked with some of the people who've been at the cabin and without, you know, breaking any kind of confidentiality.
What are they telling you about their experience?
[00:22:56] Lauren Van Ewyk: You know, there's been some outstanding stories. A number of people do [00:23:00] go on and seek additional professional support, uh, both first responders and farmers, and that has been. An opportunity that I don't think people realized the gem kind of in the story because the gem isn't the fact that they get counseling.
The gem is the fact that there's growth beyond it. It is not a one stop shop. It is not a check the box. “I did that.” It is a, this is is a launching point. Towards additional kind of wellness and growth and, and meeting those goals. Um, I can tell you that some marriages have, have seen some restoration. I can tell you that some individuals who were on the brink of, of having to walk away from the farm due to some family really difficult things, we're able to kind of take a deep breath, develop some plans, build some relationships, set some boundaries so they're no longer at the stage where they're walking, right?
Not everything's. [00:24:00] Peachy Keen and roses and Skittles and Sunshine. I don't wanna pretend that it's a magic, you know, esday uh, but there has been some most definite growth.
[00:24:10] Merle Massie: If you had just one thing. To tell someone who's listening, what would that be?
[00:24:17] Lauren Van Ewyk: That I want you to know you're not alone. We live in a world of isolation.
I'm not sure if most people realize this, but there is a current epidemic going on. You know, when COVID hit we're all like, oh my goodness. You know, everybody find your local farmer for food security and, and you know, everybody mask up and protect one another and check on. How many times did we hear people say, “oh, well check on one another.”
Right? We need to still check on one another. This epidemic that we're in now is called loneliness. We are among the most lonely people in the world, and that's not because we're not connected to people at any moment. I can pick up my phone and I can text somebody, but that doesn't mean that I feel [00:25:00] heard or known or I feel like I belong.
And so it's important for listeners to know that A) you are not alone. You are part of the human experience and it's hard sometimes, and we were not meant to walk this world alone. We are not meant to live in isolation. We are meant to do it in a form of community, so you're not alone. And while I don't wanna put the responsibility on somebody else to reach out, it's our job to reach out to people.
I would encourage you to reach out to someone. I would encourage you to see that the barrier to your wellness is isolation and loneliness, and so let's target that.
[00:25:39] Merle Massie: Lauren, it's been an absolute pleasure speaking with you today.
[00:25:43] Lauren Van Ewyk: It has been a pleasure to be here with you, and thank you again, Merle for all the incredible work you and your team at Do More Ag are doing for farmer wellness.
[00:25:56] Merle Massie: The last word about Three Oaks goes to [00:26:00] Dalles's own family. His cousin, Lucas Tamminga and his mother Diane Bergsma.
[00:26:06] Diane Bergsma: Um, when you, when you are can prepare, like say for this interview, I can kind of box my emotions and my grief and I can share about Dalles and I can share about our journey, but it's, it's the moments when a sound or smell or a black dodge truck.
Those are the moments that are still hard when it, when you're unprepared. God has sent us so many beautiful people to, to help us and to make, make our grief bearable and our hope possible. And for that, I, I, again, I don't have words how deep that gratitude goes. And I can even give you one example when Dalles, the Thursday before he passed away, he filled up the [00:27:00] one pig barn and he was running three pig barns at the time, and the other one he had just filled up. And so there was four months of feeding his pigs and going to the farm where he lost his life. And it was brutal. It was awful like getting up in the morning and just like you feel sick to your stomach having to go there.
And so, and that look after that, the “For Sale” sign went up at the end of the road where I had to turn down the gravel road and I thought, you know what? I, it, it just made it so bitter and so bitter's a good word, bitter grief. And so one day I thought to myself, you know what? I know where I have to turn down the gravel road. I will just use my peripheral vision and I won't look at the for sale sign. And then it'll be more bearable. I can just turn down the grave road where I see it turning. And as I turned it made that turn. All of a sudden it was like, I'm just fooling myself. It doesn't change the reality. And I just had this moment of immense, like a wave [00:28:00] of grief that threatened to drown me.
I just screamed at God. I said, I can't do this. And at that very second when I was saying those words, my phone dinged and I got to the barn. I sat on the steps there in the sunshine. And I opened my phone and it was a beautiful message from a friend I hadn't heard from in a very long time. And she had just heard about it, and it was just, yeah, it was a gift.
It was when we think we can't do it, and then someone comes along or someone is sent to come along alongside us to make it bearable for that day, one day at a time, one step in front of the other. And that's, yeah, we, we firmly believe it's all gifts from God and uh, that made it possible and that's how we can share hope with other people who are just starting this awful journey.
And so that was the community that sowed [00:29:00] that seed and brought it to life because it would've been impossible for us to do that on our own. It was just too big. And, but together, there isn't much that's too big. Together is a good place to be.
[00:29:14] Lucas Tamminga: Uh, I, I, I think it's just, um, it, it, it is a really cool place to just kind of retreat and get away from the craziness of life and it's geared towards farmers and first responders, right?
So if you're overwhelmed with either of those fields, then you can just kind of book a time there and go and cool off and pray and meditate and seek counseling and whatever else you would need to do to. To get back on the right track.
[00:29:44] Merle Massie: What do you think Dalles would say about Three Oaks?
[00:29:48] Lucas Tamminga: They probably have some wise ass joke about it. Uh, yeah, I think he would be quite honored. I don't think he [00:30:00] had any idea how many people cared about him. Yeah, I think he’d be floored.
[00:30:06] Diane Bergsma: That's the fuel in my fire. Honestly, I don't know if he can see us, but I picture him seeing us and I picture him saying, 'Go Mom' and go help him.
Even that, like, it just, it feels like a little part of him is still here. One day we'll go to him and then I will have lots of questions for him, but in the meantime, we will put in everything we have available to us to improve the lives of others. It's profound. It, it's, it's.. expands my heart with joy and gratitude to all the wonderful people in our community that I, I can never thank enough as a mother of a son who passed away this way.
I, I don't have words to express what that meant to me.[00:31:00]
[00:31:01] Merle Massie: If you or someone in your family could use a stay at Three Oaks Cabin. Please find the link in our show notes and reach out, and if you do go. I hope you feel the strength and the support not only of the Bergsmas, but of the people who walk alongside them, the whole community, because together they made this cabin a place of healing and rest, and it's for you.
That's it for this episode of, Hay Are We Okay? Big thanks to our sponsor, the AGCO Foundation. AGCO champions farmers and farmer mental health. I'm Merle Massie and hey.... we ARE okay.